Pssst . . . Over here.

As you can probably tell from the information that has been revealed in this blog, I have logged some time in the world of rock 'n' roll over the past nine months.  Countless hours have been spent in the inter-galacticaly renowned Sonic Goat, additional hours stoking the creative fires of song-writing, an unquantifiable amount of time watching the experts on stage at First Ave., and at least a good 45 maybe 50 minutes trying to master the art of the electric guitar.  (Do not get distracted by this revelation.  I will elaborate in another post as necessary.)  In doing all of the above, I have been allowed into, or perhaps obtained unauthorized entry into, the inner sanctum of rock and have learned or otherwise absconded with the secrets only insiders know.  These are the super top secret, juicy tid-bits that the likes of Dylan, Hendrix, Plant and Gaga have gone to great lengths to keep under wraps.  But, well, because we've gotten to know each other and you look like a nice sort of person who can be trusted, I'll let you in on a few things -- but you didn't hear them from me.

First, a few tips for singers and songwriters:

1.  It is better to avoid using the word "pharmacy" when at all possible while writing rock 'n' roll lyrics.   Unfortunately for me, I came across this sage piece of advice the hard way.  Indeed, I committed the classic rookie mistake of incorporating the word "pharmacy" into a set of lyrics.  As a result, I can now explain first-hand the reasoning and collective wisdom behind this rule of rock.  First and most obviously, if you are using a song structure  that involves rhyming, you've just set yourself up for a doozy of a task.  True, there are options, such as "occupancy" or "frequency" or maybe even "narcolepsy," but really, it's a tight corner to get out of.  Thankfully, I avoided that hazard as I installed "pharmacy" in the odd line that wasn't rhyming.  But still, it doesn't exactly roll of the tongue when one is singing.  Also (and here's where the true inside information comes in) it is likely to produce an overwhelming urge to want to sing an alliterative "fucking" right in front of "pharmacy."  This is especially likely to occur once you have realized that you've committed this cardinal sin and are nevertheless trying to salvage the song.  As you might guess, this in turn makes it tough for the band to get through the song or to ever really hear it without a phantom "fucking" running through everyone's heads.  So, just remember, when you hit that point where you are tempted to write a song and you hear the siren call of "pharmacy" pulling you towards the rocky shore, just plug your ears and row hard the other way.  You'll be glad you did.

2.  It's incredibly easy to write a rock song.  Again, those on the outside might think that songwriting is difficult and only for those who can channel some spirit world of lyrical advisers who will spin out yarns of mystical intrigue, obscure literary references, elaborate metaphors and maybe even some of those things mixed together in a rhyme scheme (all while avoiding, of course, the previously referenced temptation to interject "pharmacy").  Or maybe you think songwriting is reserved for people from Liverpool who can incorporate "ob-la-di, ob-la-da" into a kick-ass song without anyone really noticing. (Not to mention such topics as meter maids, savoy truffles, vengeful raccoons and walruses whose identity is at issue.)  But that is so not true.  As has been demonstrated in a previous post in this very blog, bad songwriting is incredibly easy.  Van Halen did it with "Jump" and "Panama."  Starship (previously Jefferson Starship, previously Jefferson Airplane -- clearly they were so distracted by naming their band they didn't leave enough time for lyrics) did it with "We Built this City," and Aerosmith most definitely knocked it out in under five minutes with "Dude Looks Like a Lady."  And that's before I've even plumbed the depths of bands whose entire catalog seems to have taken advantage of this trade secret.  Bands like ABBA, Hall and Oates, and Foreigner.  So, you see, you too should feel free to give it your best shot.  Don't give up.  Keep on fighting.  Don't stop believin'.  You can make it if you try.  Might as well jump.  Go ahead, jump.

3.  If you close your eyes when you sing, watch out for the mic.   Gaga warned me about this last summer during her stop-over in the Twin Cities, but I just didn't listen.  It's not the kind of hazard you would think about because so many in rock make it seem so effortless, but the dark reality is that if you close your eyes when you sing and move at all, it's quite possible that you will find your teeth hitting the microphone, and, well, it just doesn't make for a great sound or really polish your rock 'n' roll image when that happens.   All the intensity and focus pretty much evaporates instantly when you taste the metal and get that weird sensation in your teeth.  I really don't recommend it.  (I'm pretty sure there is a divot in one of Jim's mic's from this very phenomenon, but let's just keep that between us.  I'm not sure how much of that he saw at the time.)

 Now, a few tips for the Jimmy Page wanna-bes in the audience.

1.  There are things designed to keep your guitar strap from coming off at inopportune moments.  You should get them. 

2.  Keep your guitar pick where you can find it.  Even if you are not the lead guitar player in your band -- in fact, even if you don't actually really know how to play the guitar at all, except for one section in one song where your band mates have taught you a pattern you can play using only the 5th and 6th strings -- you should keep your pick someplace accessible.  In the world of rock 'n' roll, the back pocket of your jeans is not as accessible as you might think.  While it is a perfectly good place for wallets, cell phones, condoms and gum, it's not nearly as accessible as you assumed it would be when you have four counts to find your pick and start playing.  I've heard they make devices that attach to the microphone designed just to meet this need for accessibility.  I recommend looking into those.  You're welcome.

3.  Size matters.  I'm not talking about the guitar or any physical attributes of the guitar player.  I'm talking about the cord.  The one that you will plug into your guitar on one end and, with any luck, an amplifier on the other end if your intention is for people to hear your instrument.  While the length of the cord, as far as I can tell, has no impact on the sound produced, it has everything to do with street cred.  See, if you show-up with a 7ft cord, you're pretty much telling the world that you don't really rock hard or even at all, because if you did you would need a much longer cord to accommodate your floor slides, lean-outs to the crowd at the far ends of the stage and your show-stopping stage dives.  If you're lucky like me, though, your band mates will point this out for you during practice before it could ever possibly matter.

Given the risks I'm taking by disclosing all of this inside information, I think I'm going to stop there for now.  But if you demonstrate that my trust in you was well founded, as I know you will, I might be willing to share some more tips with you down the road.  Because despite my rock 'n' roll identity, deep down inside,  I'm really just like you, stickin' it to the Man whenever I can, even though, in this case, that Man is the anti-establishment rock establishment, you know?  Right on.